Don't be sorry about
writing on here. I don't see it as venting. It's a positive step towards self improvement. Just think about
your writing that way, k. Also, i know exactly how you feel about
telling people. I just started
opening up to people i trust individually and i was SHOCKED to find out how many of them have either experienced serious panic, or are dealing with or dealt with serious depression. It's like 3-5 people. Thats A LOT! And we're all from different walks of life, different ages, from different countries, and so on ( people i work with). Anyways, i think at your age a lot of the people with the similar symptoms self medicate with drugs and alcohol. I did for 10 years. I drank my anxiety away, or thought i was, but it was just a band aid and a really crappy one. You're a brave! I admire your approach and your mature outlook towards yourself and what you are going through. I'm sure there are TONS of other students going through the same sorta thing and don't know where to turn too. I think its great you have your counselor. It's a positive start. And you're right, its probably not a cure, but it made you feel better so there is some positive there. I know you want to feel normal again, but the whole thing with this stuff ( i still cant do it) is to embrace it. Its a paradox. Anxiety has no kindling without the thoughts to ignite and keep it a flame. A lot is so sub conscience that to train yourself out of it takes lots of practice. Its actually, and not to bring in a religious angle, but what a buddha is. Not a buddhist. A buddhist is someone trying to reach an enlightened state (nirvana) that is freed from suffering. People dedicated their entire lives in search of this feeling. Now, i dont think anyone needs to be a buddhist to walk free from mental anguish, but its the idea that people practice something, that other culture, and other people all over the world deal with suffering. I'm just using buddhism as an example cause i know some stuff about
it, but it relates to the same practices and techniques as CBT -- very similar at least. There is a Buddhist monk from thailand who wrote a book called The Miracle Of Mindfulness. Well, I went into an outpatient program a few weeks ago and mondays were "mindfulness mondays" :) So mindfulness isnt CBT ( i dont think) but its pretty neat -- and useful enough that a very famous psychiatric hospital teaches to people like myself.
All kinds of people from all walks of life are searching for inner peace. Some of us just feel it more or something. You are self aware, you have a small support system (new), and you felt good a few days ago. All that will come back. Be proud, even though its hard cause those feeling are back, and the first thing we always ask ourselves is " Why did this come back, i felt so good, and now its back?" and "Am i always going to feel this way?". And the answers are, it came back because you just started school, you're just learning about
what is happening to you mentally, and there are a ton of stressors on you from school. And no you wont always feel this way. You won't. :)
There's a lot of books you can read that might be helpful in the mean time. Just poke around the internet for CBT therapy or read more about
anxiety and panic disorder. The more you know the better you will feel. CBT is really interesting and practical. There is also a book, which i love, called Embracing The Fear. My psychiatrist recommended it to me and i was sucked right into it. I was really into it, in fact I'm going to read some more tonight to help me relax a bit.
I'm no doctor, i have serious anxiety and panic disorder. I'm sick as I write this, and by sick, i'm really anxious right now (it was my first day back to work after taking a month off cause of panic) but i do know that by excepting what is happening to you in that moment helps a bit. Try it. Embrace what is going on -- " I have these anxious feelings and its ok to feel this way", it will take some of the power away from it. Like i said its paradoxical, but its true.
Also, take things one step at a time. You're doing so awesome, and i think you will get to a really comfortable spot soon. I think then you can
open up to more people. I personally think that people around your age dont really understand certain life issues yet, and i would hate for people to make you feel guilty about
how you feel... The "Oh come on, its not that bad". That's something I used to get all the time!!! You don't really need.
open up to people that are kind, people that are understanding, and most of all people you are comfortable telling. The entire world doesnt really need or deserve to know, so don't feel like you're living a lie -- you're not. Your brave, strong, intelligent, and facing hard to face emotions head on. That's very admirable. Again, i just drank and looking back i wish i was more brave and dealt with it the way you are.
Keep writing, its good to get it out. You're gonna really love therapy. It's so great when you find the right person to talk to! Don't settle ( i went to 8 different, yep 8, before i met the one i've been with for 6 years!. :)
Wow this is long. You're doing great, you will feel those normal feelings again. Be kind to yourself. You rock.
best_
Dan
