It's me again...

 I am going to be posting a lot I see.  This is not my dentist appointment update...this is the story of taking my son to school.  As you all know, I have no more Xanax...thanks to my Dr.  My parents are going to give me some to get me through my dental appointment today, but I am not taking that til later.  Normally, I take a Xanax right when I get up, and I feel pretty good all day.  Today, I didn't have that Xanax, so I felt edgy, but my son still had to get to school.  Well, he asked me to come in and meet his teacher.  I agreed to do that.  He was nervous, and excited all at the same time.  So, we got to school, and they weren't letting people into the classes yet.  So, we had to stand there.  Well, after about 5 minutes of standing there, I went into a panic attack... ...I had to leave.  I asked him if I could meet his teacher another day.  He said yes, but I could see the dissapointment in his face.  He wanted me to be there with him, and I COULDN"T DO IT.  I feel like a bad mother, I feel very sad right now, and I am angry.  I am angry that this stupid disorder robs me of so much.  I am angry that my Dr. doesn't seem to understand what a difference .25 mg of Xanax makes on my life.  I am not like trying to take it 3 or 4 times a day.  I am not asking for much...at least I don't think so. 

It sucks to depend on the drugs, but honestly, if I had that Xanax, I could have been there for my son today.  Instead, I had to run out of the school, in a panic, abandoning my poor son, and drive home, in a nervous wreck. 

Well, I decided to skip my nap, because I am too anxious to even think of sleeping, and I am going to start calling psychiatrists soon here.  I gotta get into one ASAP. Maybe one of them will give up some Xanax, or something similar.  I need it for right now.  I don't want it forever, but for right now, it is what I need to help me.  Once I can start getting some therapy, maybe I can start to pull away from the little bit of Xanax I need to get through now, ya know?

UGH...this is not starting out to be such a hot day.     I hope my son has a good first day, eventhough I neglected him. 

Don't feel that you are a bad Mum at all. My son starts school in 2 and a bit weeks and about 4 weeks ago he had a parents evening for us to go and meet the teachers etc, and i had an attack when I sat down, and kept saying to my sister that I had to leave, I got into a bit of  a state and eventually by writing down everything that the headmaster said I managed to get over it and stay for the duration but I empathise with your situation very well. I know exactly how you felt because I thought I was a bad Mum for wanting to leave too, but if you had stayed and felt worse what good would a poorly Mum be?