I had such a good day yesterday, until...

The second I walked out of our house it started - the anxiety building.  I should have just turned around and gone back in the house.  But I thought that I could work through it, but it only got worse. 

I knew exactly what I needed to get and figured it would just take me maybe 15 minutes to get it and check out.  Well, apparently my family all wanted to be pokey - my husband doesn't normal like to just "look around" at things, but he did last night - which in turn made me feel like I was there alone.  Not a good thing for me.  I kept having to stop and wait for him to get done looking at whatever caught his attention.

My son, decided that he wanted to be a brat (and I'm using a nice word, but that's not really what I'm thinking - LOL) and play head games with me about what he wanted to buy.  Before we left the house he had his two choices narrowed down - we got to the store and he didn't look either.  Now, I was getting really upset and angry with him.  I got to a point that I said to him "you have two minutes to decide what you want or you get nothing".  I was heading to the checkout area.  He got something that was acceptable. 

By the time this scene has ended and with the fact that everyone had been so pokey, my anxiety level was through the roof.  I got home, practically collapsed and started crying.  Eventually, I calmed down enough that I could talk to my husband.

I honestly thought that I had everyone prepared that we weren't going to be there very long, but I guess not.  What could I have done differently with this whole situation?  Any thoughts would be so much appreciated.

Thanks and I think I'm going to bed now, because the meds are starting to kick in.  Sweet dreams everyone.

Wen

Wen,

I am glad you made it through the trip but your family was not on the same page as you. 

You may try a couple of things next time.  Frist talk to them ahead of time and explain that you want to make the trip and that you feel if they would support you and stay within the time frame then you will all go together.  Ask them to check with you and see if your alright and if you feel great and up to spending a little more time then make a new deadline for what time to be at the check out counter.

If this is not something they can do, try going alone and just time yourself.  Do your 15 minutes, stroll slowly through the store to keep you adrenaline down and leave at the goal time.  If you find you really cannot do it, then leave but no beating yourself up.

You are a work in progress and remember it is baby steps hun.  You are doing great.  Give yourself credit for every little thing you do.  We are here for you and you can count on us.

Keep on putting one step in front of the other.

Luvs ya

Kitt

Dan and Kitt,

Thank you both for your thoughts and advice. 

Dan, yes I do think I bit off more than I could chew and a part of me wishes that I had just stayed home.  But if I'm ever to get past the Agoraphobia I can't stay home and never go anywhere; I just have to learn how to do things a little differently I guess.  Your suggestion of lowering my expectations is a good one and I will try to do that.  That one is a bit difficult for me as I have always had very high expectations for myself (I have always tended to be a Type A personality) - not so high for my family though because they aren't me, especially the kids just for the simple fact that they are kids and kids often screw up.  So my expectations for them are different.  But since my hospitalization, the expectations I have for myself are very low at this point, because I am just so scared that I'm not going to get beyond the Agoraphobia and anxiety issues.  I'm afraid that this is how my life is going to be from now on.  I do have to say that I am kind of surprised at myself that I didn't just "freeze", as you put it, because in the recent past that's exactly what would have happened.  I think the difference this time is that he was p***ing me off!  So instead of being anxious and having an attack, I got mad.  HMMMM....I hadn't really thought about that difference until now.  Look at that, you made me see something that I hadn't put together....thank you for that! 

Kitt, I honestly thought my family and I were all on the same page for this little "outing" (weird word to use, since it was only going to the store - LOL), but I don't think I really explained what I wanted to take place.  Next time I will talk to them first and explain how I would like things to go.  The severity of the Agoraphobia is new to all of us and I have to remember that; the kids still don't fully get it that it's extremely difficult for me to leave the house, never mind going to the store.  OY!  They are kids after all and they don't really know what this is all about.  They are also used to Mom being able to do anything and go anywhere - so this is a HUGE difference for them.

You know, I really hadn't thought about having them check in with me to see if I'm alright - my husband does it fairly often (although he didn't this time).  But I hadn't thought to have the kids do it too - great idea that I will be using for future outings.

Unfortunately, at least at this point in time, going by myself or even being in the store by myself isn't an option yet.  I'm just not ready for that yet.  If my husband does go to another part of the store, and I don't go with him, I have one of the kids stay with me.  The thought of being there by myself just absolutely terrifies me.  I sure hope I can get past that some day.

I'm not a very patient person, especially with myself - but as my wonderful father and my therapist keep telling me - patience, patience, patience.  It's so annoying - LOL  .  They also keep telling me that baby steps is what this whole process will be along with lots of time to overcome this, to stop beating myself up, for me to acknowledge what I have done, be okay with it, and even give myself a little pat on the back for it.

The only problem I have with that is that I want this to be BIG STEPS, not baby steps.    

I truely thank you both for taking the time to read my post and to give me some great suggestions for me to utilize.  This is what makes being here at HW so good, the family here is just so wonderful.

(((HUGS))) to you both.

Wen

ps - my son needs to go to Wal-Mart today to get supplies for a science project (but of course he couldn't have told us the other day before we went to the store).  Sorry, I digress.  What I was going to say is, I'm NO GOING WITH HIM.  My husband is. 

Thank you so much for sharing a little bit of your story with me, it gives me some  comfort knowing that others have gone through this, had similar feelings and emotions (especially about being disgusted with yourself - pretty much how I feel about myself), but have been able to get up and get through this no matter how long it takes.  I am trying to learn to just live in the moment and stop worrying about the future and stop thinking about the past.

Not only was it a good move not to go to Wal-Mart today - now I also get a little bit of quiet time (my daughter decided to with them).  HEHEHEHE - I love it   .

Thanks Kitt for your great advice and as I said in a different post I will miss you very much this week while you are on vacation, but I wish you much happiness during the vacation.

(((((GREAT BIG HUGS)))))

Luv ya,

Wen

I will do my best to stay in the moment while you are gone. 

Have fun in Atlantic City!!!!!  Hugs, Hugs, and more Hugs to you.

Also, if you don't mind, I like your Rosalyn Carter quote that you have at the bottom of your signature and I am going to give this to my son.  He has a couple of school and confidence issues and I think this would help him a little bit.  It's worth a shot any way.

Love ya,

Wen