Posted 10/18/2007 11:47 PM (GMT 0)
Oh man!!!! Really sorry to hear what you are going through. Guilt makes this stuff so hard to deal with. You shouldn't feel like you failed, cause you didnt. You didnt choose to have panic and anxiety, so by default you can never fail my friend. This stuff is super hard to deal with at times, and you made the right decision by getting off that bus. Something inside you, deep in your subconscious, told you to get off... I'm sure there is a lot going on, and i'm sure its hard to leave... A couple of things.
Occupy your mind with something based on the disorders. The more you learn, the less you'll fear. Print out pages from the internet, by some books -- i would suggest Embracing The Fear. Distract yourself by reading that on the bus and learning-- It will help you get through the ride. Also, start a journal if you dont have one yet. Its a way to let anxious thoughts out. Even if not a journal, get some paper and start writing... You can throw it out when you are done if you're worried people might read it. Taking in the awareness of what you are going through, learning more about it, and letting it out in various ways will help you... It helped me. It'll be tough, and you might feel like you cant do it, but you can. Remember the worst thing that can happen from a panic attack is that you pass out. Thats it... Its the fear leading up to them, and being in them that is the worst part...
I'm really sorry you're going through this. It feels like you're in a really tough position. Remember, or at least try and tell yourself this (while you may not believe it now, just repeat it to yourself over and over) "Everything is going to work out" -- cause it will. You just gotta believe in yourself and except what is happening. Its one of the hardest things in life. But it, for some reason, takes the power away from anxiety... If you tell yourself, " Its ok to have these feels and no matter what happens, i will be all right" the anxiety may slowly soften. Also, if there is some way you can do some exercise, that might help too. Like just run it out, cry, do whatever you need to do to release that pressure built up.
Lastly, breathe... And keep breathing. If you feel like you are hyperventilating, a trick my mom taught me is to cup your hands over your nose and mouth and breathe. This will help, and potentially stop you from passing out...
Dont over medicate yourself. If you took 3 MGs of xanax and it didnt do anything for you, then chill on that... Breathe man, and slow everything down. Consciously type slower, walk a little slower, do everything a little slower... Sounds weird, but its helpful... When we start racing around in the anxiety its hard to slow down, so dont be hard on yourself right now. We're our own worse enemies sometimes, I know i am... But we're our own best friends as well...
I think if your main objective is to get move and get on that bus, then your best bet is preparing by doing some of the things above, and also distracting yourself. Also, by setting your expectations low, then you will have less to fear. Take one step at a time and breathe every step of the way. If you want you can make a list of things to do to prepare for tomorrow, and check them off as you go along. Have the list include things to do while on the bus, and include things that will help you cope with panic. You have a lot of anticipatory anxiety, so if you get on that bus and you get hit with some panic, you're most likely going to say " Oh no, here it comes again... I gotta get outta here"... Now if you can tell yourself, " Here it comes again, i'm going to breathe and i'm going to invite it to come (i know, sounds bad but it works). The worst that can happen is i pass out. I'm safe and its ok to have these feelings"... Try not to fight it... Its really hard, but if you're going to do this tomorrow. Don't fight it if it comes. AND whatever happens man, you are not a failure, i hope you know that. Even if you don't feel it now.
I'll try and think of some other things. Keep writing. Do you know what you fear? Is it the thought of living in a new place a way from you parents? If you can identify what is causing the fear (sometimes its impossible, other times its very clear) than maybe i can give you specific advice. If you're scared about the move, the feeling of "Oh no, i dont know whats going to happen when i get there" Start planning tonight some trips home. Just write down some dates that you might be able to come home for a few nights. Moving is a huge stresser and having a plan may help you. Even if its not anything solid, just by telling yourself " I'm moving, but i'm gonna come home for a few nights soon" might ease your nerves....
Again, really sorry you're going through this. Hang tight. Be kind to yourself. Write more if you can. We're here to help, cause we've all been where you are and know what its like...
best_
dan